Another week done and dusted. As I sit at my computer and write this out, I review my notes today. Sometimes, thoughts come to mind; other times, they are things I have read, heard or seen.
A big part of my thoughts today lay within trust. Trust in yourself and trust in others, as well as practicing what you preach.
My drawing/personal IG account has been in the lurch for the last few months. The irony of studying Art Therapy and not actively pursuing my art is beyond fathomable.
This last weekend, I discussed on and off with a friend about my spark for drawing disappearing and that I didn't know how to get the inspiration back to start again. She advised me to go within and see what would flow - followed by a 'just do it'.
I picked up my pen, I picked up my sketchbook, and I was all of a sudden met with an overwhelming amount of sadness, anger and plain old hurt. I had to put them back down. My other friend, whom I mentioned in last week's post - was more than a friend. As cliche as it sounds (I feel cringy writing about it these days), he fueled something within me that I had never experienced before. During our connection, we experienced a lot of separations, where I could draw to soothe and reflect on how I was feeling. This time, however, was very different.
Drawing a replication of how I was feeling somehow made me feel worse; it made me feel sick, and it made me feel like I was going to grieve this man forever. Questions that forever circled my mind were, 'What if he is in every drawing I create for the rest of my life?' 'What if I never move on?' 'What if I DO move on? How will I explain these?' 'What if this is the most pathetic thing I could ever immerse myself in?' 'Am I pathetic?' 'Is this the issue? Maybe I'm just making it all up in my head' - That last one sat me down on my ass, and I fell into it. It has been months since I have had to process and retract from being in my head; this was heart space, vulnerability, and something I had been avoiding. The head (ego) had dealt with it; my heart and soul had not.
I made a deal with myself - I have an app called Co-Star, and every day, it has a new prompt or 'inspirational quote' (some are questionable). I told my other friend my idea to use what came up on the widget each day as a guide on what to draw; his suggestion was to "Draw what your tomorrow looks like", which then took me on a beautiful journey through Hemingway & Gellhorn as well as Frida & Diego's narratives; what they wrote, painted and what fuelled their creativity, their passion.
I have always been a huge fan of Frida Kahlo's work. I studied her in High School and connected with her paintings in ways I had never connected. Reading her words back to myself now, I feel them throughout. Instant waterworks - the grief, the loss, the love never seems to end.
I have always been a zealous girl, to the point where my soul would get so excited it could burst. Over time, that enthusiastic, fervent-filled feeling has somewhat shifted - it's hard to find the words to explain how it feels - but it has settled and is directed more inwards now; it doesn't feel as chaotic as it once used to, but it still wants to be known, to be felt and seen. It wants to be portrayed.
Returning to my thoughts on trust, I lost that for myself for a while. I didn't trust that I could articulate exactly how I felt instead of just creating what first came to me. I didn't trust that I could handle not being perceived as pathetic, hung up, 'another hopeless romantic who has had her heartbroken - another scorned woman who loved someone more than he could ever love her'; I didn't trust that with him - with our connection in so many different ways, that I had discovered who I am, how I have integrated and learnt from everything I have experienced so far in this lifetime.
I didn't trust that I was more than my broken marriage and relationships, more than a mother, more than an artist, more than the girl on the phone, more than someone who is taking a lifetime to figure herself out. I am me. Cultivation of people, places and things. I create through love; I connect through love; this business is a profound reflection of love. For all ages and types of relationships, but above all - for self.
The fear I hold is outweighed by my love and appreciation - for so many different reasons, I am not ashamed, significantly if it will help others in the future.
When people speak through authenticity, we can still doubt. Why is that? Why do we doubt... food for thought. I'm taking all that I am learning through my AT course and all that I am implementing through my workshops and putting it into action - tears, fears and all.
I miss creating through what I feel... so much. I know it will be worth it.
Time to draw.
x Leesh
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